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Trials and Tribulations

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Spider-Man is a jazz-loving lesbian

As Seen In:
Spider-Man 3

Why It Sucks:
Taken over by an evil symbiote, Peter Parker finds himself doing dastardly deeds we never thought possible, including acting emo, asking for cookies (with nuts in them), and worst of all, playing jazz piano while for some reason looking almost exactly like the lesbian musician K.D. Lang.

The clincher for this sequence has got to be the close-up of Spidey’s mouth as he softly whispers, “Now dig on this,” followed by snapping his fingers to the beat. It’s almost as if Sam Raimi suddenly had a change of heart halfway through shooting the film and decided he’d rather be working on a Bob Fosse Broadway musical. Fortunately, reality kicks back in at the end of the scene when Parker punches Mary Jane in the face, which is something we all can agree she totally deserved for not “digging on” Peter’s bitchin’ dance routine.

Of course, wonderful moments like M.J. being put in her place don’t last long in Spider-Man 3, as proven by Peter’s John Travolta impersonation …

Honestly, how in the hell did that get past the editing stage?

“Worst Ever” Meter:

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